Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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