Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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