I'm sorry my penis didn't work
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
