Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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