so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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