I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
