even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
