ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Soap is not a condiment
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
