I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
