I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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