I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
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You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
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I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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