im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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