I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
