i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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