I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
