I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I think I have vodka in my lungs
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
