I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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