my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
40s are totally the cure
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
