my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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