also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
