haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
