fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
