i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
