youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
