four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
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Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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