The maid of honor just puked.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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