there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I don't deserve a penis
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
