I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
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There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
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She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.