so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dating After Heartbreak
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.