I'm so fucking centered right now
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
