i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
