It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
