i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
