I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
