I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
