I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
