So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
