omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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