I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
