my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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