Even water is tasting like jack daniels
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
