New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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