I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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