i just had sex bonerless
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
