I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
