my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
