I should be sponsored by Trojan
smell my finger.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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