connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
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