Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
just found out that she named her cat after me.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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