im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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