I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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