We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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