Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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