Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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