i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So much rum. So many feels.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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