her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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