Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
