My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
